Be a Builder, Not a Breaker: The Wisdom of Abigail
Dr RJ Sing, 12 May 2019, 45 min
This is the whole service. The video opens where he begins, at 44:37.
Originally preached as “The Wisdom of Abigail”
Sermon outline
Like Abigail, a wise woman faces problems honestly, asks for help, waits for the right moment and answers softly, so that she builds her home, her marriage and her church instead of breaking them.
Main text
- 1 Samuel 25:1-42
Opening
He has the church stand and prays that the Word will fall on good ground, binding the devil from causing misunderstanding, dissension and strife and speaking peace and blessing on the people. He tells the mothers they will be prayed for at the end, says he wants to share wisdom keys for Mother's Day, and reads the story of Nabal, Abigail and David from 1 Samuel 25 in the NIV.
The story: an intelligent woman and a churlish man
The Bible calls Abigail intelligent and beautiful, and her husband Nabal mean and churlish. When Nabal insulted David's men, David strapped on his sword to wipe out his household, but Abigail acted quickly, brought a generous gift, bowed before David with honour and turned him away from bloodshed. David blessed her for her good judgment, and later the Lord struck Nabal and he died.
Illustration: David was a warrior from the day he killed Goliath, which is why God did not let him build the house of God: he had too much blood on his hands.
“The Bible says Abigail acted quickly. I like that. She went into action.”
- 1 Samuel 25:1-38
- 1 Chronicles 22:8
Be careful what you say about God's servants
When you don't understand something, shelve it until God opens your eyes rather than speaking out of turn. He says he will not easily criticise other men of God, because if you are critical of the anointing a person carries, that anointing will fight against you. God heard Miriam and Aaron speak against Moses, and the church is not a democracy but a theocracy, with Christ in charge.
“Church is not a democracy. Church is a theocracy.”
- Psalm 105:15
- Numbers 12:1-10
Step one: diagnose the problem
A doctor cannot choose the right medicine from thousands until he has the right diagnosis, and the first step to solving many problems is diagnosis. Abigail recognised and acknowledged truthfully what kind of man she was married to; Nabal's name means fool, to wilt and failure. Because she saw the problem clearly, she was able to act and save the day.
Illustration: In medicine, once the disease is diagnosed you are often far along the road to curing it.
“The first step to solving many problems is diagnosis.”
- 1 Samuel 25:25
Step two: stop pretending the problem is not there
Denial does not make a problem go away. There is a fine line between denigrating your husband, which blackens his reputation, and speaking frankly about a problem; a daughter of destiny is not so secretive that no one can help her. Speak to someone you can trust, for the right reason, and not to other churlish people who will only add fuel to the fire.
“Pretending that a problem is not there does not make it go away.”
Step three: ask for help
Abigail fell at David's feet and asked to be heard. Many people need help, but not everybody wants it, so before giving advice discern whether a person wants it and how much the relationship can carry. No one ever stops learning, so be teachable.
Illustration: He discerns 'the tonnage of the bridge' before he speaks: whether a relationship can carry one ton or ten decides how strongly he can talk to someone.
“Many people need help, but not everybody wants help.”
- 1 Samuel 25:24
Step four: realise that God gave you your husband
God played a role in bringing a married couple together, and it is God who preserves the marriage. A wife who knows this works from God's side of the fence and seeks the Lord's help for her family. When a husband comes home unhappy about church, a wise wife does not agree and add fuel to the fire, but gently helps him see things rightly, because if he is destroyed the whole family suffers.
Illustration: If a husband complains about something the pastor said and his wife simply agrees, he will not want to go to church the next week.
“So realise that you need God for your marriage.”
Step five: speak wisely, at the right time
Abigail told Nabal nothing while he was drunk and waited until morning. Don't give advice when your husband is angry; wait for the storm to pass. Women are builders, not breakers, and mothers and grandmothers hold many South African families together. Don't end a marriage over an ordinary argument, because you will have arguments with the next person too.
“You can say the right thing at the wrong time. You must say the right thing at the right time.”
- 1 Samuel 25:36-37
- Proverbs 29:11
Step six: give soft answers
A soft answer turns away wrath, and the woman practising the wisdom of Abigail uses soft answers as her weapon. Shouting demands gets nothing, but kindness and sweetness open doors, even when you feel a fire burning inside.
Illustration: He adds a saying he calls the wisdom of life rather than Scripture: the man is the head, but the woman is the neck that turns the head.
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger.”
- Proverbs 15:1
Step seven: act wisely
God's wisdom is the master key to overcoming impossible situations. When women go home and speak foolishly about the church, husbands come to see the church and the pastor as rivals; a wise woman speaks well of God and His house and keeps some things inside. Speaking your mind is fine if it is a tidy mind, so be a builder, not a breaker.
“It's okay if you have a nice, well-dressed mind. But if you have an untidy mind, then you shouldn't speak all your mind.”
- Ecclesiastes 10:14-16
- 1 Peter 3:1-2
Putting it into practice
- Pray for and talk to your husband to keep him from doing wrong.
- Do everything possible to keep your family from being destroyed and to preserve your marriage.
- Preserve your relationship with God and the church at all costs.
- Preserve your ministry by being patient and wise, and influence those around you at work.
- Prevent confrontation between your husband and the church: be a builder, not a breaker.
Closing
He gives six wisdom keys for wives and says most families he has seen leave a church did so after unhappy words spoken at home. He honours his own mother, who raised him on her own, taught him manners and ethics, kept a notebook budget and knotted savings in a handkerchief for times of crisis, and says that is how he learned to budget and save. He prays the church will apply the wisdom of Abigail and says it applies in context, not to everyone's circumstances.
In his words
- “The first step to solving many problems is diagnosis.”
- “Church is not a democracy. Church is a theocracy.”
- “Many people need help, but not everybody wants help.”
- “You must say the right thing at the right time.”
- “So a wise woman is a builder, not a breaker.”
Every scripture in this message
- 1 Samuel 25:1-42
- Acts 13:22
- 1 Chronicles 22:8
- Psalm 105:15
- Numbers 12:1-10
- Proverbs 29:11
- Proverbs 15:1
- Ecclesiastes 10:14-16
- 1 Peter 3:1-2